i don’t know what it is about you that is so attractive, but it gets me everytime. i have seriously been listening to all these songs that i grew up to, and i watch 3 episodes of As Told By Ginger tonight. wow. i didn’t plan on staying up since i have to go see my mom & Jim tomorrow. idek i lost all my ability to be tired. am i the only one? i hope not. i have seen Sara everyday pretty much for a week straight, and then this weekend i won’t be seeing her… what am i supposed to do? me and her are in a situation sooososo much alike, but then again are situation is so different. today i got drew on with sharpie. i miss my BFFL’s. i miss my old friends so much, not that i don’t love my new ones, i just miss how things used to be. but at least these ones are my age now. idek, why should i say that, why should i put “i don’t even know”? i should know everything, actually no, i shouldn’t. i won’t know everything, and will learn that everything that happens, happens for a reason, and i can’t change stuff that already happens. i need to learn from my mistakes, and move on. how cliche of me to say such an 8th grade line. i think ima go to bed.
1:44 in the am, my thoughts are running crazy bc i just thought something so through that they honestly have no way of lying to me. i literally need to start decoding lies, and breaking stuff down. i just mastered it. people really need help, i honestly could never put words in someones mouth in order to make someone hate them, i mean yea i’ve told others what people have actually said, but that’s me being honest, and i know that is a bitch move and all, but hey i’d rather be an honest bitch then a lying bitch? am i right? i’m literally SO done with all the drama, especially when i tell the truth, but ay it’s sstraight with me, no one has to believe what they don’t want to. it’s whatever though, i’m almost over it, this is the last step to get over it, venting, and once this entry finishes, i will be done.
i can’t help but like the people i’ll never ever have. the things i could tell you right now, you looked so good, everything is so good about you. you’re a genuinely nice person. i don’t even know what/why this is happening. i can’t be thinking this, i won’t be thinking this. i really like you so much, so much. you don’t suspect it, no one does. how does this happen to me, bonfires are the most intimate settings for stuff to happen. whatever, i’m not going to worry, nothing will ever happen anyways.
here i sit, like i used to, defecating. my day was nice, although it didn’t really start until around 5:30 when sara arrived to pick me up with olivia, and then we dropped her off and went to get allie, then to alexis’s with the other sara. well after awhile we got ice cream, dropped allie off blah blah blah no one even cares really, but we went to canton and seen ALEX ARMESTO! ha i love that kid he’s great. and we hungout with him and matt lang and alex bazzi and some others for a while. things are great this summer, but i can’t help but thinking, what is missing? why is everything so content? why is everything so easy? why is everything so… so… so “there”? it’s all there. it is, waiting for me to take it. it’s all so fresh, and clean, and nice. i don’t even know, but it’s nice. i feel like something should be going wrong, bc i haven’t been contently happy for… God knows how long. i sit around and don’t let the bad stuff bug me, but i always know it’s there. i always know that if i think about it, it will come back, that the problem isn’t over just yet, and it can ruin my day. but not now, i feel as if everything has been wiped clean, happiness is finally here, and i want to know how i achieved, / what i did to deserve this. i am happy. i love life. i am truly living, and being happy, and i have NO worries at all. my confidence level is in check, i’m not feeling cocky, but i don’t feel insecure. i am very secure with what i have maintained so far this summer, and i am pleased, and i love being who i was meant to be. that’s all.
let me just go out on a limb and say how amazing i am right now. it’s 1:34 am, i am awake, very awake. my brain hurts, i was goin harddd alll night, people tryna fighttt me. HA that’s a joke. but really. true life is on, some fat kid is at the gym with his “in-shape” friend. the “in-shape” friend is a DOUCHEBAG~ to the extreme, if my friends even dared to tell me to lose weight so i could look better, you better believe i would slice someone. no for real though, friends are supposed to be supportive no matter what you do, even if you hate it. i mean you can give them as much advice as you want, but if they don’t listen, let them make the mistakes, bc in the end, they’ll come crawling right back to you, like always. they always do. without friendship, we would have no relationship with anyone. clearly, i need sleep, but ay i’m a free soul, i’ll say what i please, especially at 1:38 am, bc in the morning, i will not remember typing this. haha i’m done tumbling for the time being. i like this late night entry, releases my true feelins.